Whole Infinity: Stupid Mistakes and Starting Over... and Over

My stomach aches, I’m a little nauseated, and I’m more than a bit depressed at the idea of starting my Whole 30 AIP over from scratch: I just accidentally broke my Whole30 diet – on Day 12.

The culprit? A “basil balsamic vinaigrette” that, inexplicably, contained grapeseed oil. (Mea culpa for not asking, but still — grapeseed oil?!)

Excuse me for a moment while I release some emotion:

(Ahem.)

I’m feeling these .gifs of increasingly failed limbs so deeply because my Whole 30 story has been one of starting over. I began the plan on October 1st, only to learn a week in that I wasn’t eliminating foods that pose trouble for people like me, who have an autoimmune IBD (inflammatory bowel disease). NB: grapeseed oil is okay on the regular Whole30, just not the Autoimmune Protocol (AIP).

So, I needed to extend the diet until November 7th, not November 1st. No big deal, right?

Right.

Then, late in the week of October 16th, I realized that the all-natural beef franks I ate for lunch over the last four days contained paprika. Paprika is a nightshade: a food available to regular Whole30ers but forbidden on the AIP. No wonder I had felt brain fog every afternoon.

Well, that sucks, I could make it to November 20th. No problem, right?

Mmmmm . . . okay. Yeah, I guess so. Fine.

Now, I’m starting over from scratch. November 2nd is the first day of my new month, and December 1st will be the day I start my elimination diet.

Oof.

As my stomach throbs and my guts twist like a towel someone’s wringing out, all I want is not to have to bother with this restrictive diet for another month.

Excuse me while I have another tantrum:

Better.

Now that I’ve channeled my inner Jim Harbaugh, I see struggle ahead but also opportunities. (Not feeling those yet, but that’ll come.) I can now do a Whole30 AIP that incorporates some advice I read yesterday, about how AIPers should should eat a wide variety of veggies, oily fish about 3-4 times per week, and offal (which, yes, I consider awful. Har.). I’ve fallen into a lot of patterns since October 7th — kale chips and sweet potato fries on repeat — but I’ve been so focused on working around the foods I need to eliminate that I’ve neglected to explore the foods I can eat. If I fail to convince my taste buds — well, at least I gave it a shot.

Plus, I haven’t actually found the AIP to be as difficult as I envisioned. Until Halloween spurred a pitiful craving for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Starburst, and those mini-sized Snickers and the like, I haven’t desired sugar. (Chocolate: occasionally. Sugar, no.) I now drink my tea black — a sentence I only thought I’d write in a short story. I prefer the greenest smoothies. I found cauliflower rice edible, and I suspect I might like broccoli rice more. I’ve also learned about two foodstuffs — grapeseed oil and paprika — that I should avoid in the future. And, while I don’t think I’m lighter, I’m definitely leaner. My skin’s clearer. I rarely get indigestion, an experience which, as someone with a chronic digestive disease, is a positive shock.

Starting over feels less a personal tragedy than a prolonged bummer.

But I am tired of thinking so much about food. I’m tired of denying every dinner invitation, because of the potential for screw-ups like the one that happened today.

I’m just tired.

Except that’s not true. I have a lot more energy now and very few peaks and valleys: no more 3PM sugar crash.

So I’m not physically tired, I’m emotionally tired.

Although, now that I eat three square meals instead of grazing all day, I’m not constantly thinking about whether I want or need another snack. I’m also making peace with the kitchen — I’ve never loved cooking — and am more willing to try new recipes.

The truth is, I’m peeved because I made a dumb mistake. I knew I should have asked for the ingredients in the vinaigrette before I ordered it. I didn’t, because I feared I would have to ask for something different, and I’m always afraid to ask for what I want.

I feared feeling my fear, yet I’ve just overcome a far deeper feeling: disappointment in coming to terms with starting over.

So . . . lemons into lemonade and all that. (I Can Haz Lemons! And Unsweetened Lemonade, But I’d Rather Have an Unsweetened Arnold Palmer.) Bootstraps pulled up, saddle ready for sitting, once more unto the breach.

Nerd Fitness, the company I’m so grateful to work for, has a cool online platform where its members can create characters and fulfill quests. I haven’t done that; often, setting up and checking in with a motivational tool drains my time rather than helping me make the most of it. It’s easier for me just to sit down and do the thing.

But, I think I’ll create a series of challenges to achieve in this next 30 days, my next and FINAL AIP journey (of 2016, at least).

I’ll try a dish of liver (n’ onions, probably). (Update: liver tried and somewhat enjoyed!) And maybe some awful [sic].
I’ll get the 20 seconds of courage to ask a butcher for bones to make a proper bone broth, instead of the kinda bony chicken stock I’ve been making.
I’ll print out and laminate the list of acceptable veggies and, at least once, try . . . 90 percent of them? 80%? How about 85%? Yeah, 85%. (Update: lamination completed!)
I’ll blog at least once about my experience.
I’ll economize my meal preparation and make batches of, say, sweet potato fries. (Unless they get soggy. Perhaps I’ll make batches of stew instead.)
I’ll focus on gratitude. Gratitude that I can choose to be on this diet. Gratitude that I have the resources to purchase well-raised meats and organic vegetables. Gratitude that I have built up enough self-love that I want this healing opportunity for my body.

Okay then. Reset button pushed (at least it’s not “restore to factory settings”). It starts tomorrow.

Originally posted on November 1st, 2016.

Featured

Hello, I’m Sara!

Words are the writer’s fabric that weave bridges across cultures, countries, and centuries. I’m happy you’re here to read them! Grab a cup of tea and enjoy. You can relax here.